Cosas

Two weeks. That´s how long I´ve been in Valencia, and that´s how long I have left before I go home. It´s been the most amazing experience.

I´ve flown, alone, across an ocean. I´ve met my host and lived companionably with her, eating dinner together and discussing our days, our lives (my side of the conversation is much quieter, but still). I´ve found my way to school, made a couple of friends, and learned how to take the bus anywhere I want to go. I´ve wandered the city, spoken the language, eaten the food. I´m learning how to be una valenciana.

I´ve learned that I can be whomever I want to be. They tell you this when you´re a kid all the time, but somehow I never really knew it. Other people know it, and proceed accordingly, but I´ve always held myself back. I don´t want to do that anymore. My new plan is to think shorter term and pursue what I want to do now, rather than wait for some great life plan to unfold. No more waiting for some silent permission.

That´s the good news. The bad news is that I miss my husband so much it hurts. The scary newness of this experience has worn off (thank god), and what´s left is time and brain space to feel lonely and sad and homesick. But I cope. I write myself kind notes in my journal, saying things like this is so short and will be over so quickly. And I want this, I want to be here, it´s for me absolutely. I fill my time with interesting things. I rack up huge phonebills. I count days, quietly, at night before sleep.

Each day is closer to an ending, but hopefully a new kind of beginning as well.