Regrouping

The day I got my period was a dark day. I let it be. What else was there to do? I was sad and bitterly disappointed, so I cried in bed for awhile. When I thought it was all out, I came downstairs and had a bowl of cereal with my sister. Pregnancy had been our main topic of discussion all week, so it wasn't surprising when she asked what my temperature was that morning and I burst out with more crying, right into my Honey Bunches of Oats. I think this shocked her a little; I'm the together one. I'm usually telling her it will be ok while she does the crying. But this has completely unglued me.

In typical me fashion, I threw myself into another dream that day. I looked up local spanish classes, but didn't find anything that seemed readily accessible. There were some college courses, but sitting in a room of college kids isn't really what I was after. I wanted more than two classes a week. I wanted to be saturated with language, to be with people who also wanted that. Then I remembered meeting someone years ago who had done an immersion program and was now almost fluent. He was the most unlikely of guys, an ornery construction worker, but when he talked about the program, he lit up with accomplishment and a dream realized.

I want that, too. I want to throw myself into something completely different and feel it working it's magic on me. I want to be brave enough to do it.

I like my routine. I grew up without much of one and it anchors me now. I'm so set in it that the thought of leaving my husband and home for a month to live with strangers somewhere far away is terrifying.

But it's now or never. One way or another, I am going to be a mother. It is what I want more than anything. But it's not the only thing I want, and maybe a break from this one all-consuming focus would be the nicest thing I could do for myself.

There is a lot to consider. That's what I'll be doing.