I"ve moved to a happy place

I was pretty sad when I started this little blog. I didn't know if I'd ever have a baby. Infertility stretched out before me, full of uncertainties. It was scary. It sucked.

Then I got pregnant. And then that was scary.

Then I had a healthy pregnancy. I wasn't sad anymore. I was excited and happy and didn't know how to write that here because that's not what here was really for.

So now I'm here. It's nice there. Feel free to visit.

22 weeks, 3 days, and it's Christmas Eve

I love being pregnant. I have my moments, to be sure, of less than stellar behavior. My anxiety can lift it's head over the smallest things and then we all have to get very serious, very quickly. But really, those moments are few. Mostly, I'm tickled pink by every little thing she does.

That's right. A she! We're having a girl!

I can honestly say that I would have been ecstatic with either. And so I am.

She kicks and twirls. She's getting bigger and stronger and I am getting rounder every day. It's the most joyful thing.

We're staying home for Christmas, then flying home to see family on the 27th. We're having snacks and hot cocoa and watching movies tonight. Then a big breakfast, a few small gifts, and Juno tomorrow. Quiet. Warm. Lovely.

My head spins with how much I want to show her. And how I can't wait to meet her. We are going to have so much fun.

Contradicting all of this "fun-ness" may be my grinch-like attitude toward Christmas shopping this year. It's grossing me out in a big way. The commercials, the imperative to spend spend spend, the waste. It's all so forced and crazed...we pulled ourselves out of it this year, spending our money on traveling home instead of buying gifts, and I think that is the new way to go. There is a twinge of guilt for not buying gifts for the masses that are our families, but there is so much more relief.

We're focusing on the smaller things. Each other and this baby turning in my belly. That's more than enough.

15 weeks (and 1 day)

15 weeks. Not quite round-bellied, but getting there. Maybe more pudge-bellied. Maybe something like "she's eaten a few too many brownies" bellied. I don't care, I love it just the same. I rub it and talk to it and when we went hiking by the river on Sunday, I lifted my shirt so it could hear the water, too.

I even pulled up my shirt to check on it at work, and then remembered myself. This belly is getting to be a habit.

I'm feeling good, so much better than the first trimester, which besides the exhaustion and nausea, gifted me a heavy dose of depression and anxiety. But that's lifted now. Now is for dreaming and prenatal yoga and long walks, ice cream and listing names. Thinking about ways to make my house more homey and snuggly. Clearing away the junk in corners and closets, giving way to air and light. For cooking at home. And did someone mention brownies awhile back? A time for brownies, definitely that.

I always admired 15 weeks. The for real second trimester nature of it. And now I'm here, finally relaxing into this pregnancy, and loving it.

2 ultrasounds later

God. I'm a terrible updater. I think part of my reason for not writing is that I'm hoping to fly under the radar for weeks and weeks and then hey! I'm 13 weeks. What first trimester?

The great news is that I've had two very good ultrasounds. The second was today. I'm measuring 7 weeks, 3 days and the heart rate was 156 bpm, which is more than I could have hoped for. We saw the flicker of the heart beat, heard the fast thump thump (so much faster this second time!), and for my husband, who missed the first, this all became much more real.

Today is our 4th anniversary. Sharing a healthy beautiful ultrasound of our little fishy was the best way to celebrate, ever.

Hoping

I've been quiet. I'm 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant and I have had no symptoms so far (other than a missed period and the slightest soreness in my boobs, but only when mashed pretty hard. But I'm pretty sure that kind of treatment would hurt anybody with boobs, pregnant or not.)

I spoke with my doctor last week and she said not to worry about it. But I'm worrying about it. It's almost easy to forget I'm pregant at this early stage, a little reminder would be appreciated (I'll hopefully eat those words).

Ultrasound on Wednesday, when I'll be 6 weeks and 5 days. Come on, good news!

What does cautiously optimistic even mean?

My numbers didn't double...they more than tripled! Almost quadrupled! So we're feeling good about that.

But that was three days ago. I need another test, and another. All to make sure this is really happening, that we're still in it. That our little embryo is a-ok. I need A LOT of reassurance. Because try as I might to just enjoy this moment, I'm cautious in my excitement. I have no symptoms to date (except missing my period). No sore boobs, no nausea, a little sleepiness but that may be due to the sudden absence of caffeine from my system...

I've read that symptoms often don't start until 6 weeks. It's so early. So, so early.

This is going to be the longest first trimester in the history of trimesters.

What do you know?

So.....I'm pregnant! Yep! Had a positive home test yesterday, confirmed with a blood test at the clinic. I'm all of 13 dpo.

Scarily early. Anything could happen. I know this all too well.

But I told myself that if I became pregnant again, I would enjoy it. I woudn't live in fear. That's what I'm doing (aka trying my best to do).

Second blood test on Friday. Give me a nice juicy doubling! Crossing everything crossable.