Jane Said

I"ve moved to a happy place

2008-05-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

I was pretty sad when I started this little blog. I didn't know if I'd ever have a baby. Infertility stretched out before me, full of uncertainties. It was scary. It sucked.

Then I got pregnant. And then that was scary.

Then I had a healthy pregnancy. I wasn't sad anymore. I was excited and happy and didn't know how to write that here because that's not what here was really for.

So now I'm here. It's nice there. Feel free to visit.

22 weeks, 3 days, and it's Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T08:13:00.001-08:00

I love being pregnant. I have my moments, to be sure, of less than stellar behavior. My anxiety can lift it's head over the smallest things and then we all have to get very serious, very quickly. But really, those moments are few. Mostly, I'm tickled pink by every little thing she does.

That's right. A she! We're having a girl!

I can honestly say that I would have been ecstatic with either. And so I am.

She kicks and twirls. She's getting bigger and stronger and I am getting rounder every day. It's the most joyful thing.

We're staying home for Christmas, then flying home to see family on the 27th. We're having snacks and hot cocoa and watching movies tonight. Then a big breakfast, a few small gifts, and Juno tomorrow. Quiet. Warm. Lovely.

My head spins with how much I want to show her. And how I can't wait to meet her. We are going to have so much fun.

Contradicting all of this "fun-ness" may be my grinch-like attitude toward Christmas shopping this year. It's grossing me out in a big way. The commercials, the imperative to spend spend spend, the waste. It's all so forced and crazed...we pulled ourselves out of it this year, spending our money on traveling home instead of buying gifts, and I think that is the new way to go. There is a twinge of guilt for not buying gifts for the masses that are our families, but there is so much more relief.

We're focusing on the smaller things. Each other and this baby turning in my belly. That's more than enough.

15 weeks (and 1 day)

2007-11-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

15 weeks. Not quite round-bellied, but getting there. Maybe more pudge-bellied. Maybe something like "she's eaten a few too many brownies" bellied. I don't care, I love it just the same. I rub it and talk to it and when we went hiking by the river on Sunday, I lifted my shirt so it could hear the water, too.

I even pulled up my shirt to check on it at work, and then remembered myself. This belly is getting to be a habit.

I'm feeling good, so much better than the first trimester, which besides the exhaustion and nausea, gifted me a heavy dose of depression and anxiety. But that's lifted now. Now is for dreaming and prenatal yoga and long walks, ice cream and listing names. Thinking about ways to make my house more homey and snuggly. Clearing away the junk in corners and closets, giving way to air and light. For cooking at home. And did someone mention brownies awhile back? A time for brownies, definitely that.

I always admired 15 weeks. The for real second trimester nature of it. And now I'm here, finally relaxing into this pregnancy, and loving it.

2 ultrasounds later

2007-09-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

God. I'm a terrible updater. I think part of my reason for not writing is that I'm hoping to fly under the radar for weeks and weeks and then hey! I'm 13 weeks. What first trimester?

The great news is that I've had two very good ultrasounds. The second was today. I'm measuring 7 weeks, 3 days and the heart rate was 156 bpm, which is more than I could have hoped for. We saw the flicker of the heart beat, heard the fast thump thump (so much faster this second time!), and for my husband, who missed the first, this all became much more real.

Today is our 4th anniversary. Sharing a healthy beautiful ultrasound of our little fishy was the best way to celebrate, ever.

Hoping

2007-08-30T05:13:00.000-07:00

I've been quiet. I'm 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant and I have had no symptoms so far (other than a missed period and the slightest soreness in my boobs, but only when mashed pretty hard. But I'm pretty sure that kind of treatment would hurt anybody with boobs, pregnant or not.)

I spoke with my doctor last week and she said not to worry about it. But I'm worrying about it. It's almost easy to forget I'm pregant at this early stage, a little reminder would be appreciated (I'll hopefully eat those words).

Ultrasound on Wednesday, when I'll be 6 weeks and 5 days. Come on, good news!

What does cautiously optimistic even mean?

2007-08-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

My numbers didn't double...they more than tripled! Almost quadrupled! So we're feeling good about that.

But that was three days ago. I need another test, and another. All to make sure this is really happening, that we're still in it. That our little embryo is a-ok. I need A LOT of reassurance. Because try as I might to just enjoy this moment, I'm cautious in my excitement. I have no symptoms to date (except missing my period). No sore boobs, no nausea, a little sleepiness but that may be due to the sudden absence of caffeine from my system...

I've read that symptoms often don't start until 6 weeks. It's so early. So, so early.

This is going to be the longest first trimester in the history of trimesters.

What do you know?

2007-08-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

So.....I'm pregnant! Yep! Had a positive home test yesterday, confirmed with a blood test at the clinic. I'm all of 13 dpo.

Scarily early. Anything could happen. I know this all too well.

But I told myself that if I became pregnant again, I would enjoy it. I woudn't live in fear. That's what I'm doing (aka trying my best to do).

Second blood test on Friday. Give me a nice juicy doubling! Crossing everything crossable.

We have ovulation

2007-08-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

My temps have risen. Finally. I'm also realizing that since I didn't take them before the IUI, I really have no way of knowing when I ovulated. It may have been Tuesday, the day of the IUI. I don't think it was any later than Thursday. They hovered around 97.7 until Friday and have gone up ever since.

So we're back in business. The waiting business.

I'm going to breathe, go to work, go to class and cook dinner for friends. I did some yoga alone yesterday and think it's time to revive my practice. These next couple of weeks will be about nurturing myself and my husband. Trying my best to live in the moment and be easy.

A good way to be any time, waiting or not.

Don't think so.

2007-08-03T05:21:00.000-07:00

Had a gorgeously positive OPK on Day 12, went in for an easy iui on Day 13. But my temps have not risen. I don't think I've ovulated. I think something is wrong.

I have a call into my clinic. I'm feeling really discouraged, I had such high hopes for this one.

CD 11

2007-07-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm done with clomid for this cycle and have moved on to testing with ovulation predictor kits. I've called the nurse at my clinic with pre-IUI questions and let my boss know I may be out one day next week. My husband has done the same (so much harder for him, but he worked it out). So now we wait. We're supposed to have sex, but to abstain two days before the insemination, but how do I know when that will be? My ovulation is not predictable to the day. We're going to have to do some guessing and hope we get lucky.

It's all on my mind, but very much on the periphery, which is kind of weird. I've given myself so much more to focus on in the last month, between my two part-time jobs, class, friends... that I haven't had much left over for dwelling on this cycle. Which is so, so great. I really don't need or want the anxiety. Of course, after the insemination, it might be more difficult to ignore.

Anyway. That's where we are. Last time, I ovulated on CD 15. I don't think that necessarily means that I'll do so again, but I'll be damned if I'm going to google that. Not right now, anyway.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2007-07-14T07:01:00.001-07:00

It has been a really long time since I've posted. In the past month, we've moved, had houseguests, started new jobs. I'm taking a twice weekly Spanish class. And we've met our new RE and discussed our next steps.

I also had the much needed alcoholism talk with my mother. (Oh man, was that hard. More on it later, I'm not really done processing it yet. Although, I no longer feel like I want to simultaneously cry and throw up when I think about it, so I suppose that's progress.)

I've been busy, is what I'm saying.

Now that the dust is settling, I'm loving our new house while missing our old neighborhood terribly. My anecdote to that is to throw myself into making this house ours. We've painted three rooms, wallpapered, and planted a vegetable garden. We've cooked for guests and invited more. I want flowers for the porch. And maybe a swing. Yes, I believe a swing is in our future.

So things are going well and I'm adjusting to my new life. My rest cycle is coming to an end and I'll be diving once again into clomid, this time adding an IUI. And we'll see. One thing is for sure, and that is that this rest cycle was exactly what I needed. Other than reading fertility blogs, I haven't obsessed in the slightest. But now, maybe because we're so close to trying again, I'm feeling that heart-heavy longing, the first needling worries. I'm holding back on the optimism, as if that were any protection from disappointment. But of course it will come, this optimism, like it always does because I can't help it.

I'm a long way from hopeless, which is a very good thing.

Nope

2007-06-07T10:39:00.000-07:00

Not pregnant. But I'm okay. The best thing would have been to get a "Yes! You're pregnant!" call from the nurse, but the second best thing is not having to think about this for a couple months. Oh, sweet reprieve. I needed a break and now I have one, and after this post, I will not think of fertility related crapola again for a good while.

I have a plan, an appointment at a great clinic in our new town, and that's all I need.

I'm at peace with my nonpregnant status. Now if only these boxes would pack themselves, we'd really be getting somewhere.

7dpo

2007-05-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

The waiting. It's a killer, no? I'm going slowly insane. Yesterday I tortured myself looking up clomid success stories and percentages and progesterone levels, to the point that my eyes burned and I was nearly brain-dead. But I had to give myself permission to do that. I was going to anyway, so might as well not feel guilty about the wasted afternoon.

I didn't really learn anything useful, but reading through other people's waits was comforting. Solidarity, sisters.

I had my progesterone blood test yesterday and my level was 30. I asked the nurse if that meant I ovulated and she said "And then some!" We laughed and a good time was had by all.

Apparently, they like to see anything over 15 for a medicated cycle. 30 is definitely over 15. I'm feeling happy about that. I was curious if there was any way to tell if more than one egg released from that test, but she said no. I'll just have to wait.

Wait. Sigh.

I should spend this week studying for the GRE, doing yoga, and pre-move organization. I will most likely spend this week performing futile internet searches and torturing my husband with the highs and the lows of me on the two week wait. It is what it is, people.

Hey!

2007-05-18T08:38:00.001-07:00

Ugh. I just wrote a long, poignant post about the fact that I'm ovulating and then Blogger ate it.

I'm ovulating! How about that.

Three mature follicles on the left side. Three. Wowza.

Here's hoping these next two weeks fly right on by, because I have a feeling they're going to be stubborn little slowpokes.

Updates

2007-05-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

I feel slightly manic-don't know if it's the Clomid that is swirling around in me or the big changes that are coming-but I'm having a hard time focusing. Or I was, until I decided this no coffee thing I've been trying is for suckers and I need just a little, and only today. And I feel a million times better than I did this morning, so it was worth it.

I finished Clomid yesterday. Honestly? It wasn't too bad this time. I'm really surprised because on half this dose, I was a complete raging mess. I don't know what happened, except that maybe every cycle is different and there's no way to really predict. And I took it at night, so maybe that softened the day-time effects. Whatever the reason, I'm glad glad glad.

I'm approaching this cycle very casually. I'm having to remind myself of what day it is (day 8) and when I need to do what. Usually it's all I think about. But there's so much else going on, I can't dwell. And also? I think I'm Fertility Fatigued and my brain is giving me a break. On this topic, at least. Topics that it's been in overdrive about include:

1. Moving in 5 weeks. Have not done a thing, except find a house. Admittedly, that's a big thing. But something inside of me thinks we're done now. But guess what, Something? We're not.
2. Researching grad school options, trying to figure out how to take program prerequisites and study and work and volunteer, and have a life, and try to have a baby, all at once. Made some calls today, wrote an email. Moving along. Too bad the program I'm considering may not be around next year, when I wanted to start. We'll see.
3. Adoption. Thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it. Feeling really excited about it, in a way that I haven't about fertility treatment. Not that anyone's excited about that. Once I figure out my school/work situation, that may be where we head next.

Assuming the Clomid doesn't work, which is what I am assuming. I don't know why I'm so pessimistic about it-maybe because we've been trying for so long, I'm used to No for an answer. So many of my ideas are of the "wait and see" variety. And oh man, I hate waiting.

Phone Appointments Are Not Awesome

2007-04-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am currently waiting for my RE to call me. We had a scheduled phone appointment for today. For an hour ago, to be precise. But I'm thinking of it as a regular doctor's appointment, and an hour's wait is not out of the ordinary.

The Clomid didn't work. I went in for my progesterone blood test on Day 21 and it confirmed what I already knew: I didn't ovulate. This next cycle was supposed to be a rest cycle, but since we are moving in June, that would mean no more trying here. I'd have to wait another three months before getting this show on the road in NC and that was a frustrating realization. And a relief. Two in one, what do you know.

When I really consider it, I don't want a break yet. I think that's my fear talking. We need to see this through for a bit longer.

I explained all that to the nurse and there was consulting and now I'm on Provera to induce a period and will be taking 100mg of Clomid starting day 3. I was sort of a mess on 50mg, and by sort of a mess I mean a raging hormonoholic terrifying to behold. At least my husband will be working a lot this cycle. We will think of that as a good thing.

Update: I just spoke with my doctor and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I like her, we have a nice rapport at our appointments, she seems genuine and concerned. But on this hour and a half late phone call, she was rushed and not that into listening to me. Also, she didn't really seem to know who I was. Yeah, yeah, we've only met twice, but she suggested we start me on Clomid. The Clomid I've already been taking. Then she asked me several other questions that were very basic to my patient profile, such as do I ever ovulate on my own. As I said, yes, but only every six to eight weeks, I felt my heart sink. This is the person I'm entrusting with my fertility and she doesn't know if I ever ovulate.

She's just a person, behind on her work and stressed out. I can get with that. I also realize that my fertility issues are not her whole world and we are approaching this from different perspectives. But still. Not so confidence-inspiring.

The phone call basically turned into a review of what I already knew. It lasted 5 minutes. That'll be $30.00, please.

Infertility blows.

This Dance We Do

2007-04-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

It is CD 16 and I have not ovulated. I'm starting to worry that the Clomid didn't work.

Well, what can you do? I guess we'll just keep on keeping on and see what happens. If I ovulate by day 21, I could still have a cycle of 35 days or less, which is at the high end of "normal" and since we think the problem is the lateness of my ovulating, maybe that would be good enough. All I'm asking is for good enough.

This our first try with assistance and I'm already tired of it. We've been trying on our own for 2 1/2 years and had a miscarriage early on. I have been thinking and planning my life around my fertility or lack thereof for a while now and I'm chafing under all of the "rules". I feel like rebelling, which for me would look like a long morning run, sweating, heart-pounding freedom. I never exercise with abandon anymore; I'm gentle. We don't want to scare the ovaries.

We have a friend coming to dinner tonight. I would love a glass of wine, but I won't have it because I read that it could cut conception odds by 50%. I'm feeling insanely guilty about the mug of coffee I'm sipping on, but it's just one and oh man now I'm begging forgiveness for a cup of coffee.

We're looking at apartments in NC and found one that looks perfect, except that it only has one bedroom and if we move on to adoption, we'll need two. I'd like to get serious about looking into grad school, but shouldn't I wait to see if I get pregnant? (I know that's crazy, but this is what it does people).

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to prepare my body, mind and heart to welcome a baby. I try my best to make it feel like a nurturing, nurtured process. But sometimes I just want to flip my special needs fertility off and free up all of this head space for something that's a little more of a sure thing.

Obviously, I'm going to keep going because this is our baby we're talking about, but I have an ear open to whatever intuition wants to tell me, and can see breaks in our future. But not just yet. Not now.

These Four Things

2007-04-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

On Clomid

Oh, Clomid. We've had a time, haven't we? The hot flashes, the hormonal rages, the ferocity of my crying, the hilariously vicious things I screamed at my husband...I will cherish the memories always.

Now get out of me. But make a nice egg first. Thank you.

On Volunteering

It is Wednesday, my day to volunteer at the after-school program. It requires a lot of energy and focus and most of all patience, but I learn something every time I go and I feel connected to my community and the great big world in general. I'd like to feel more of a connection with the kids, and I do with some (especially one little boy who needs help with his reading and I'm thinking of how to do that in the limited time we have), but I realize I've only been there twice and at once a week it may take awhile.

I've made some mistakes. For instance, last week, when I told Jake to come down from the playground's rock climbing wall and he said he couldn't because Jordan was waiting to kill him, I should have believed Jake and not thought "he's going to kill me" was just a colorful turn of phrase. Because when Jake came down, he was promptly body-slammed against the fence by Jordan, who took off as soon as I separated them. Luckily the program director was outside with us and took over. I could have handled the whole thing differently and diffused it before it got to the killing part, if I'd really listened. I'm learning and working on it.

On Getting Pregnant

Sometimes I so want to be pregnant and sometimes I am so ambivalent about the whole thing. I don't know if this is normal for someone actively participating in fertility treatment, but it's where I'm at and I'll assume every thing I'm feeling is natural. The ambivalence could be self-protection, warding off disappointment. I meditate on it every day and am just trying to be open to anything and everything that wants to be in my life right now. What will come will come.

How very zen of me. Speaking of...

On Yoga

Whenever I feel myself beginning to freak out about how expensive my yoga obsession is, I quickly remember that it is cheaper than therapy, plus I'm getting wonderful exercise in the bargain. I didn't begin yoga for the physical benefits; I really love and need the mental quietness of it. The fact that my body is becoming smoother and more flexible is a happy coincidence.

I love how it opens me up and washes so much sadness and fear away. I love how it feels like I'm taking the very best care of myself. I guess this means I'll stick with it.

I could do so many more "On's", but I will spare us. FOR NOW.

Better

2007-03-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so much better than I did yesterday. The yoga, writing that post, a long phone conversation with a friend and the sweet support I always find in my husband are all so magically healing. I am so grateful for these things.

Now I'm getting ready to volunteer at the after-school program I went to last week. I haven't written about it yet, but I will. As I take my deep breaths, I'm feeling good and trying to channel the spirit of Ms. Kathleen to help me connect with these outrageously cute and challenging kids.

More laters.

Oh! I almost forgot-I FINALLY got my period and am started Clomid por la manana. Wish me luck!

Sick of the Heaviness of it All

2007-03-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was one of the hardest of my life. It was so full of pain, anger and sadness, with no time to myself to process and let it go. It just lived in me, growing and twisting. I've never wanted to run so far or so fast.

I went home for the weekend, earlier than planned because my great aunt passed away unexpectedly. She left behind my Uncle Ed and their three kids, all around my age, and one grandbaby. The family was deeply in shock, in turns crying hysterically or retelling the story of her death, writing it anew with every pass, maybe until it was real. My heart broke for them, is still breaking.

But the worst part for me was, predictably, my mother's drinking. I watched her drink about 10 glasses of wine at my grandparents' house after the funeral. I asked her to stop after two-she had to drive my brothers home, an hour and a half away. She told me not to worry about it, she would stop and wouldn't leave until she was fine. She drank more and more. I worried more and more. I felt it build inside of me, this worry and pain and anger, as she became more incoherent, slurry, belligerent and embarrassing. She says things when she's drunk, hurtful things, without realizing what she's saying. She does real damage and this time was no exception. This is how it always is now.

(I later found out that she and my brothers slept at my uncle's house. She didn't drive, thank god.)

I went to yoga today. We were instructed to let our negative thoughts and our pain float away, like bubbles into the sky. But my pain was too big for flimsy little soap bubbles. I began to think about all of the time and energy I have put into my family's addictions-most of it internal-the speeches I give to them, our imagined arguments, my empathy, my love and my anger. The stress that precedes every visit. The planning on how to avoid catastrophe. The deer in the headlights aspect of living through the actual drunkeness and later, alone, doing damage control within myself, feeling the anger and trying, so hard, to let it go. Because I don't want to be this bitter person. I don't want this anger. I don't want to dread seeing her.

I guess what I really want is my mother back.

This weekend made me realize that I am very close to being done. I don't think I have another episode like that left in me. When I weigh the pain of dealing with her and her alcoholism against the love, support and encouragement mothers and daughters should share between them, I seem to be getting the very short end of the stick. When does it become not worth it anymore? When and where does it end? It's beginning to feel like self-abuse, to keep hurling myself into such painful situations. But how do you leave your mother?

I don't want that. I've been thinking about writing her a letter. She is supposed to come visit me next month to celebrate our birthdays. I've already begun worrying about making sure there is no alcohol in the house, but it won't matter. She will bring her own. I think I have to say something before that happens.

It is very scary for me to think about writing her this letter. She has had a lot of pain in her life and I certainly don't want to hurt her. And I don't fool myself into thinking anything I have to say will make her stop drinking. But something has to change and she is either incapable or unwilling. So I guess it's my move, if only for self-preservation.

So, so hard.

Messiness

2007-03-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

Firstly, my period has decided to vacate the premises for the foreseeable future. It has been over 7 weeks since it last made an appearance. Six weeks is the norm for us, but for some reason, my cycle has lost it's shit and we are now at 7 weeks and 1 day without hint nor word. (I've taken pregnancy tests. No go.)

Could it have been the travel? That was a stressful 24 hours-lugging heavy and unwieldy bags through big foreign airports, getting lost, barely making flights. And then readjusting to life here, most particularly a change in time zone...this could have scared Ovulation enough to hide out for a while.

Or could it be the yoga? I've been going to class three times a week, equaling about 4 hours of yoga a week. My body loves it and thanks me constantly. I'm relaxed and centered. Surely it can't be the yoga? I don't care, Period. I'm not giving it up for the likes of you.

Secondly, I'm going home this weekend. There are parts I love and parts I hate, most specifically always leaving with a big sadness where my heart should be because I am always realizing anew that my mother and I don't have the best relationship. I blame her alcoholism, something that began about 6 years ago and that she has never acknowledged. But it makes me not trust her and it makes me angry and it makes me not want to share things with her. And I think she is very defensive about her drinking and doesn't want to get to close to us because she thinks that we (my siblings and I) would say something if we knew how bad it really was.

We do know how bad it really is. But we don't say something directly because...god, I don't even know. Probably because for the last five years our family has been so beaten down by addiction that we don't have the energy left to fight anymore. Within a year of each other, both my brothers told us they were heroin addicts. As were their girlfriends. These announcements were followed by years of fear, frustration and sadness. We lived with it every day. And now they're finally doing well, clean, in school, and we have nothing left over for our mother.

I literally think about her and her drinking 15 times a day. I'm very tired of it. My empathy swells and wanes. There is so much anger.

I know she wants me to talk to her about my fertility treatments and worries. She went through it herself with my youngest brother (IVF). But why would I call her and share my deepest fears, make myself that vulnerable, when she'll be too drunk to listen to me anyway?

I've recently come to the conclusion that I can't control my mother's drinking and I can't cure her isolation. But I can foster relationships and build communities that are healthy and supportive, something I can't get from her right now. This includes more closeness with my dad and stepmom, my aunt, my grandparents and my friends. My sisters. And maybe even my brothers. Maybe we're ready for that now.

Ah, messiness. What I wouldn't give for the normal family bullshit.

These are the Good Days

2007-03-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been taking care of myself like it's my full-time job. Feeling not quite present? Let's take a half hour alone to meditate. Finding peace in yoga? Buy a monthly pass to a favorite studio and wear that baby out. Think little glittering nose studs are sexy? Get your nose pierced and catch it twinkling happily in the mirror, unexpectedly. Want to have that second cupcake at the cupcake shop? Go ahead, they're tiny cakes for god's sake, eating just one is a ridiculous exercise in ridiculousness.

Long hikes in the woods. Gluttonous magazine consumption. Cooking extravagant dinners.

And you know what all this self-love begets? Love, period. Abundant and overflowing, it demanded a home, so I met with the Volunteer Coordinator at a local nonprofit after-school program and volunteered to tutor kindergarten through third grade kids every Tuesday.

The love, it is swirling all around me. And what a wonderful thing it is.

Shhh. I've been here the whole time. Really.

2007-03-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

Dude, I know. Where have I been. Spain is so one month ago. I've been busy? Adjusting, to, um, America?

Let's pretend that whole month of no posting never happened. Ok? Ok!

After I got home from Spain, I enjoyed lots of honeymoon-type feelings with my husband and it was sweet and wonderful and all of that. In between all the lovin', we pulled ourselves ~~off of each other~~ together and went to see our RE for our test results. I was nervous. I hadn't given this meeting a lot of thought-I was in Spain after all, and my fertility or lack thereof was blissfully far, far from my mind. Suddenly, I was smack in the middle of the whole thing again, in a bright doctor's office, talking nervous talk at my husband. It was jarring and I honestly had not prepared myself for anything. I felt like I was going into this meeting ice cold. For our first meeting, I had my charts and a paper full of thoughtful questions I had been very thoughtful about. But this time, I was bare. No papers. No thoughts.

So our diagnosis came and it was kind of lame, and also I didn't really understand everything that was said, not because it was too complicated, but because my brain just did not want to engage. I was so anxious to hear the information that I didn't hear it at all. My brain was rushing to the next thing, not hearing it, then the next, waiting for the one sentence: You are completely fine and fertile. Or: You are infertile, so sorry.

Neither happened. After reading the results of what seemed like a million tests, my doctor said based on one test, you may have mild PCOS. But none of the other tests indicate that, and you don't present that way. But we're going to start you on Clomid and progesterone suppositories.

The one thing she did say that really stuck with me was that at this point, after having tried for over a year, we have about a 3% chance per month of conceiving on our own. Clomid raises that to only 8%. I'm still digesting this. It's a toughie.

For right now, Clomid it is. We opted not to monitor with an ultrasound this cycle because they're expensive and our dosage is low enough that our doctor didn't push it. My period is due Sunday or Monday, I think, and then we're off.

So that's where I'm at. In America, happy to be home, ready to start this next thing.

Any Clomid success stories out there? I know about the lovely Superhero, but any others? I could use the daydream fodder.

Cosas

2007-01-26T07:42:00.000-08:00

Two weeks. That´s how long I´ve been in Valencia, and that´s how long I have left before I go home. It´s been the most amazing experience.

I´ve flown, alone, across an ocean. I´ve met my host and lived companionably with her, eating dinner together and discussing our days, our lives (my side of the conversation is much quieter, but still). I´ve found my way to school, made a couple of friends, and learned how to take the bus anywhere I want to go. I´ve wandered the city, spoken the language, eaten the food. I´m learning how to be una valenciana.

I´ve learned that I can be whomever I want to be. They tell you this when you´re a kid all the time, but somehow I never really knew it. Other people know it, and proceed accordingly, but I´ve always held myself back. I don´t want to do that anymore. My new plan is to think shorter term and pursue what I want to do now, rather than wait for some great life plan to unfold. No more waiting for some silent permission.

That´s the good news. The bad news is that I miss my husband so much it hurts. The scary newness of this experience has worn off (thank god), and what´s left is time and brain space to feel lonely and sad and homesick. But I cope. I write myself kind notes in my journal, saying things like this is so short and will be over so quickly. And I want this, I want to be here, it´s for me absolutely. I fill my time with interesting things. I rack up huge phonebills. I count days, quietly, at night before sleep.

Each day is closer to an ending, but hopefully a new kind of beginning as well.

ohmygodi'mleaving

2007-01-13T06:48:00.000-08:00

Today's the day.

Saying goodbye to my husband was hard. I'm so used to sharing every part of my life with him, to forming impressions together. He left for work at 6:30 this morning and we exchanged teary smushy goodbyes. Have I mentioned how unbelievably supportive he is of everything I do?

It's going to be good for me to go alone and have to depend only on myself but still. So, so hard.

Now I have my last minutes. Finish packing. Return movie. Call my sisters. Get my booty to Valencia.

I'll check in with stories to tell.

Countdown

2007-01-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm getting ready. Preparing for the trip and realizing there is no way, really, to prepare for the experience.

Even so, I'm making my lists. Big lists spanning the short days before I leave, small lists tackling the days, the mornings. Ordering my cell phone. Fixing my suitcase. Writing out my verb conjugations. Printing maps. Reading my Valencia guidebook and oh so loosely planning my days. I'm a list maker. It curbs the anxiety.

Because there is anxiety. Poking up amidst the excitement and coloring my dreams. Tinglings in the bottom of my stomach that come unasked, prompting me to reach for reasons why I should be so nervous. There are many-leaving my husband, living with a stranger, finding my way through a language and city I don't know-all make me almost want to bail on this dream and think of another that is closer to home.

But I know this is something I need to do. And that when it's over, I'll have it, always, tucked in my back pocket, ready to be pulled out and examined whenever I need a little push into the next scary and wonderful thing. I did this, I'll say. What else can I do?

When I come home, I'll face the next challenge at my second RE appointment. Until then, I will throw my heart into Valencia, happily accepting all it holds out to me.

All of It

2006-12-21T10:02:00.000-08:00

I finished my blood tests this morning, and tomorrow I have an HSG, the test where they shoot dye into my fallopian tubes to see if they're blocked. Then I hop in a car and drive home for Christmas. And do not talk about this with my family.

I might. But not with husband's family. He mentioned it to his mother and was met with silence. Because all of this means I'll definitely do IVF and I'll definitely leave many, many frozen embryos to die or stay frozen or whatever. This could really bother me but it doesn't. For once, I don't need anyone's approval and I absolutely don't care about anyone else's opinion. This belongs to my husband and me.

And guess what else? I'm going to Spain. I'm leaving in January for four weeks to take a Spanish immersion class and live and be. I'm having my cake and eating it too.

So many exciting things.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

2006-12-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

My appointment with my RE is tomorrow. I don't really know what to expect and am a little nervous. Also? I didn't realize that my insurance only covered tests, no treatments. Who knows what I'll need, or how many times I'll need it...or how much this is going to cost.

Which leads me to the conclusion that I should probably postpone Spain for a couple of months until I know what I'm dealing with. This could mean I don't go at all, which makes me sad, sad, sad. But what do I want more? A baby or Spain?

Maybe I could just kidnap a spanish baby. Two birds.

I kid.

Moving and Shaking

2006-11-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

I just made an appointment with a reproductive endocinologist. It's not for a month, but I feel like I'm taking charge of this rollercoaster. Taking charge of my life. Feels good.

Regrouping

2006-11-14T08:23:00.000-08:00

The day I got my period was a dark day. I let it be. What else was there to do? I was sad and bitterly disappointed, so I cried in bed for awhile. When I thought it was all out, I came downstairs and had a bowl of cereal with my sister. Pregnancy had been our main topic of discussion all week, so it wasn't surprising when she asked what my temperature was that morning and I burst out with more crying, right into my Honey Bunches of Oats. I think this shocked her a little; I'm the together one. I'm usually telling her it will be ok while she does the crying. But this has completely unglued me.

In typical me fashion, I threw myself into another dream that day. I looked up local spanish classes, but didn't find anything that seemed readily accessible. There were some college courses, but sitting in a room of college kids isn't really what I was after. I wanted more than two classes a week. I wanted to be saturated with language, to be with people who also wanted that. Then I remembered meeting someone years ago who had done an immersion program and was now almost fluent. He was the most unlikely of guys, an ornery construction worker, but when he talked about the program, he lit up with accomplishment and a dream realized.

I want that, too. I want to throw myself into something completely different and feel it working it's magic on me. I want to be brave enough to do it.

I like my routine. I grew up without much of one and it anchors me now. I'm so set in it that the thought of leaving my husband and home for a month to live with strangers somewhere far away is terrifying.

But it's now or never. One way or another, I am going to be a mother. It is what I want more than anything. But it's not the only thing I want, and maybe a break from this one all-consuming focus would be the nicest thing I could do for myself.

There is a lot to consider. That's what I'll be doing.

14 dpo

2006-11-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

My period is starting. Two days early, I might add.

Back to the drawing board. I don't know if I'm going to chart this cycle, or how I'm going to approach this. We may make an appointment to see someone. I may take off for Spain or South America to learn Spanish for a month. I think that's a good use of a life's savings, don't you?

Maybe that's rash. Or maybe I feel like I need to realize one life's dream, anything to move forward.

I don't know.

13 dpo

2006-11-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

My temperature was way, way down this morning. It's over. I'm not pregnant.

I was very upset this morning, but now I feel kind of numb about it. I need to throw myself into something else, so that's what I'm looking into. The something else.

Hm.

2006-11-06T16:09:00.001-08:00

I had some watery cm later today. That always happens a few days before I get my period.

I don't want to be stupid about this but I'm still holding out hope, like maybe my body just hasn't figured out that I'm pregnant yet, but will tomorrow or the next day and then will stop its pms nonsense.

Ugh. This is really not very fun.

12 dpo

2006-11-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so hopeful I could slap myself. My temp went up-it's in a pattern now of up and down, down and up, all within .2 degrees. It was 98.5 this morning, possibly the highest I've had at 12 dpo (I need to double-check).

I feel a general sleepiness, but not too much out of the ordinary. I have little stinging pains in my boobs, but I tend to have something similar the week before my period normally.

The only other thing that's happened is that for the past two nights I've woken up in the middle of the night sweating. And our room is COLD. My cold is almost gone, so I don't think that had anything to do with it.

I feel like I sound like one of those ninnies on the message boards. What can I say? It's getting to me.

11 dpo

2006-11-05T15:40:00.000-08:00

We just went out to dinner and couldn't afford it, and now my stomach is in knots. And even though my sister tries to pay for some things, having another person living here is a strain on the finances. And on my great need for alone time.

I'm just feeling stretched and stressed over here.

No pregnancy symptoms. I mean, I cried today, but it was stressed out crying. I'm also pretty tired, but that's probably stress-related, too. My temp was down two degrees, but until there's a pattern going down, I won't worry.

Maybe it's weird that I want to have a baby when I'm so worried about money. But, we won't really have what I consider to be "enough" money for a few more years, and I don't want to be 33 and just starting this family. We'll make it. People do on much less.

I hate talking about money. It's tacky. But the venting, it helps.

10 dpo

2006-11-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

My cold seems to be easing up. I'm still coughing and blowing my nose a lot, but the fog has lifted. Much better.

And now for the disturbing truth: I'm hopeful. I still have no symptoms. No implantation bleeding (which would be the first potential sign). The only thing I have is my chart, and the only thing it's telling me is that my temperature hasn't gone down yet. It could go down tomorrow and keep going down until I get my period. Or it could go up. I would love for it to go up.

It is such a dangerous thing to be hopeful. My period is due on Friday and that may be a very dark day indeed. Or one of the happiest of my life. I have been here enough to know that you can't tell anything from a chart at 10 dpo. It's the pattern, not the individual temperature that matters.

Right now, my pattern is on the upswing. That's all.

9 dpo

2006-11-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

My sister's staying another week and I'm glad. I'm not mad at her anymore, but I really hope she doesn't criticize me ever again. Good luck to us on that.

My cold is ever grosser today. Flem is moving. I guess that's a good thing, maybe it's breaking up and leaving. I slept for 10 hours last night, mostly uninterrupted.

No pregnancy symptoms. My temp went down two degrees, but that's pretty typical for 9 dpo and I'm not going to worry. Yet.

8 dpo

2006-11-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. I'm so sick. I can't breathe, I have a fever. And a sister that has overstayed and just told me that she probably needs to stay another week because her weekend plans were never really cemented and fell through.

She just said to me "Shouldn't you be writing?" This is probably a fevered overreaction, but I want to rip her face off. Shouldn't you be getting the fuck out of my house? I'M SICK. YOU'RE HERE. CUT ME SOME SLACK. Shouldn't you have an apartment and job by now?

I'm being hysterical sick person. I realize I'm cranky. Maybe that's a pregnancy symptom masked by my cold. Maybe I'm delusional. And I'm absolutely sensitive about the writing thing.

Whatever. I've locked myself in my room and plan on staying here for the next couple of hours. I need a life.

6 dpo

2006-10-31T13:37:00.000-08:00

I have a cold. Gallavanting with the chilruns all weekend will do that. So, a slightly raised temp, sore throat and cough, and general run-downedness. I could search these symptoms for some kind of relation to pregnancy, but I'm only 6 dpo, and that's still be too early for anything. Just a cold, then.

I checked out a friend's blog about her pregnancy today. She's made it to 12 weeks and has a sonogram picture showing what is clearly a baby. I'm jealous, not so much of the fact that she's pregnant, but more that she's no longer in the territory that will scare me senseless every day. She is where I would be breathing the first tentative sigh of relief. That is when I would truly begin to enjoy and believe in my pregnancy. A good place to be.

I'm having a good time with my sister. It's making time go faster.

ps I have been having vivid dreams for the last couple of nights. I've read some women say that is a sign of pregnancy, although all those ho's on the message boards is CRAZY. I swear I've seen things like, "My big toe itches, could I be pregnant?" Then again, I'm the one entitling all my posts according to my ovulation date. So. There's THAT.

5 dpo

2006-10-30T14:23:00.000-08:00

Still no symptoms, as expected. We just got back from visiting family, and the distraction was very nice. My sister came back with me, so hopefully that will help keep me occupied and off the internets for at least five minutes a day.

Tomorrow, I'll work on budget stuff, clean, go for a walk and watch a movie. Maybe pick up dinner ingredients and cook. Wednesday, I'll begin NaNoWriMo. Watch me write the most craptasticalist novel-like thing in history. But it's a distraction, and a way to get me writing. Whatever it takes, yo.

I ate like absolute shit this weekend. Pizza, wings, fast food-totally unlike me and my stomach is wrecked. Back to the healthy starting now.

2 dpo

2006-10-27T11:38:00.000-07:00

And no symptoms to report, of course. Unless you count the symptom of time slowing down to almost absolutely nothing and window internet shopping for diaper bags and crazy expensive yet adorable baby clothes. Then I have symptoms galore.

In an attempt to make time move the way it's supposed to, we're headed out of town for a few days. Going to visit the family and watch my niece's cheerleading competition. I'll report back on Monday or Tuesday.

Peace out.

1 dpo

2006-10-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

The two week wait has officially begun. I ovulated, again on CD 28. I guess that's my new normal.

Is there anything more torturous than these two weeks? Sadly, I'm sure there is, but not in my everyday. What I need are distractions. Let's think of some distractions:

1. Long walks.
2. Go to yoga.
3. Read a lot of books.
4. Watch a lot of movies.

It's times like these that I wish I had a job.

Many people list their "symptoms" starting ridiculously at 1 dpo. Not wanting to buck tradition, here are mine: nothing. zero. obviously.

I don't look for symptoms until a realistic implantation date has passed, and even then, I don't expect any. Every credible thing I've read said it takes about 3 weeks after conception to begin having symptoms.

But maybe I'll post something everyday anyway. That should eat up 5 to 10 minutes.

Still waiting

2006-10-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

CD27. Continuing with the egg-sex plan until the temp rise, which I think will be tomorrow. It was up a bit today, but not enough to mean I ovulated.

Egg-sex. This is what my world has come to.

I'm excited. I feel like it could really work this time. Like I figured out the problem and found a way around it. I'm sure this cockiness will be rewarded in just the way I hope, as it always is. Ha ha to the ha.

The sadness is that I have to wait at least two weeks to know if I am or not. Those two weeks are crazy. I get crazy-depressed, obsessed. Here's hoping that doesn't happen.

More with the Conceiving Fiasco

2006-10-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well, we used the egg whites. And I'm a little nervous.

First off, they were tinged yellow. I thought egg whites were clear, but Husband said, nay insisted, that they are always a bit yellow. Also, I didn't think to wash the outside of the egg before cracking it open. Also, I put and egg white up my vagina.

Oh, jesus.

I feel pretty certain that our main problem in trying to get pregnant has been my total lack of fertile cervical mucus. I have none and since it is a major ingredient to the whole baby making enterprise, I decided to substitute.

So I'll either get pregnant or have an infection, or both, or niether. That's what we're looking at over here. Against all reason, I think we'll probably use it again tonight. If we're going to do it, we're going all out.

In other news, I just peeped in on our checking account and saw that we have $34 left until payday, in one week. We are low on groceries. Hm. Dicey. Let's go for it!

Positive for a Go

2006-10-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

My OPK is positive. As positive as positive can be. And the husband is at work for about five more hours.

That's ok. There will still be time. I need to get a grip and go about my business, my very important business. Maybe a little work out, a shower. Some lunch, to the coffeeshop for some writing, some reading.

Maybe I'll meditate because I am wigging out.

Waiting and Watching

2006-10-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

CD 24 and nothing. Zip. No ovulation, none in sight, according to the four opk's I've already done. So frustrating. I'm trying to be patient and chill about the whole thing, it will happen when it happens. Meanwhile, I'll wait and I'll watch. But dang. I'm going to have a forty something day cycle again.

I'm going to look into our insurance and see if it covers fertility testing and treatment, and if RE's are covered, and where to find one. Will I need a referral? God. I really didn't want this to be complicated. Who does? It should be the simplest of things.

I feel myself sliding into a mentality of infertility. I'm beginning to see myself as infertile. If I add all the months together that we tried, it must be a year total. And now, these endless cycles...

Even with this frustration, this cycle has been so much better than the last. I haven't stressed very much about money, when it was all I thought about last month. It kept me awake, it was all I talked about. Now, I'm like, eh. Whatevs. We're not going on shopping sprees or anything, but I feel far less deprived. It really was about attitude. And this rotation for the husband has been much better than we thought it would be-better hours, he's sleeping more, we're hanging out a lot, doing fun stuff.

I'm being easier on myself, too. If I write something, great. If not, I'll do it tomorrow. And I'm not expecting miracles, sometimes just a poem or a blog post is enough. This month is so not about pressure. Another pregnancy strategy but not completely intentional. You can't force yourself to relax.

This is when religion would come in really handy. Put it all in someone else's hands for a bit, take a breather. I may need to rethink.

CD 16 and counting

2006-10-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

It's turned cold. We've plasticked the windows and turned on the heat. And all I can think about is eating, eating, eating.

And getting pregnant. I could be pregnant through the winter. That seems the way it ought to be, keeping the baby warm in big sweaters and in big me. Everything soft and quiet outside, muffled in snow and wind. Toasty and snuggly inside, cooking pots of soup and eating crusty bread.

Again with the eating.

It's Cycle Day 16. I don't think I'm anywhere near ovulating. I really don't know what to expect this time, but I'm hoping not to have another 43 day cycle. That was wearing.

But we have plans this time, with vitamins and quitting caffeine. And using real egg whites, which makes me a little nervous but I have a strong sense that that's been the problem, not having enough cervical fluid. Let's fix that right up.

Long weekend to myself. My husband's working all day today, all night, and most of tomorrow. I see cleaning, groceries, rented dvd's and a Vanity Fair in my future.

Within Our Mean Means

2006-09-29T07:54:00.001-07:00

Oh, and it's payday. We lived within our means this month. We actually did. Here's what it took:

No new clothes, no new shoes or coat for my husband, no dry-cleaning, no gas for the car, no heat or ac, no haircuts, no going to the movies, no new books, no magazines, no travel, no wine, no plentiful food, except when his parents bought our groceries one week.

Unless I find a job, this was a one-month-only. We both need haircuts. One of us really needs a winter coat. And it's almost October. We will need heat.

Ah, well. This whole not sliding into more debt thing was cool while it lasted.

Preg-Not

2006-09-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not pregnant. My period started last night.

I'm rallying, though. Today is payday and I'm going to take my little monies and buy good food, vitamins for my husband, decaf green tea for me. We are going to eat and relax this month. I'm going to gain a few pounds and enjoy it. We will have sex a few times a week to keep the pressure off and the fun on.

I thought about skipping charting and just letting go, but I think it would feel too much like being blind. I'd have absolutely no idea what time it was, what to look for. I wouldn't know when to test, even.

I really hope I don't have another 43 day cycle. Let's be a happy 32 day cycle this time. M'kay?

Are you doing this on purpose?

2006-09-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

So...it's 15 dpo and I haven't gotten my period. Before we all get too excited (I'm talking to you over there), my temperature this morning was nothing to rave about. It spent three days at 98.3, then 2 at 98.2, and now 2 at 98.1. Going down, not so good. But I was surprised that it's still 98.1. Last month on this day, it took a nose dive and my period started.

I know my luteal phase can vary by one or two days. I know this. But what if tomorrow my temperature went up? That would be interesting. And hysteria producing.

I was really depressed yesterday, but feel much better today, and not because I'm hopeful about being pregnant in any way (but I am a little hopeful. Dammit). I feel premenstrual and the temps don't lie. Do temps ever go up after looking like this is it? I have to think of a google-sinct phrase for that.

My husband is working late and I'm curled up on the couch with a blanket and the laptop. I didn't even pretend to write today and it felt honest. I'm not going to beat myself up, at least not today.

Let's save my period and self-beat down for tomorrow.

Greetings from the PMS Couch

2006-09-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

I am 98% certain that I am not pregnant. I'd say 100%, but I haven't actually gotten my period yet or had a negative test. My temperature has been flat and today went down a tiny bit, and I feel desperately premenstrual. Which explains all of the crying inside.

I feel like I'm trying so hard at so many things and none of them are working out. Well, maybe I'm not trying that hard at writing or figuring out what I'm doing, but I am trying to get pregnant and keep us afloat financially.

Maybe listing my efforts will make me feel less loserish:

1. Wrote consistently for about a month. Sent out queries to magazines. Sent piece to local paper.
2. As of Friday, will have made it through a month without touching meager savings or sliding further into debt. This has everything to do with self-denial and hyper-concientious money tracking.
3. Began charting my temperature. Have two charts now, used opk's correctly. Am taking prenatal vitamins (have been for months). Have plan for vitamins for my husband, herbs for me, and a judicious use of eggwhites.

All good work, but not enough apparently. Revamped pregnancy plans also include yoga and meditation and a heftier diet. I think vegetarianism and walking everywhere may have made me too skinny (I know, what a terrible problem to have). This baby needs something to hold on to.

The problem with the writing is that I really haven't been doing much beyond spending time with my husband and hosting guests. I'm leading a very inner life and it leaves me with little to talk about. I need to get out there somehow. Oh joy for the introvert.

As far as the financial stuff goes, I have been vigilant and organized. But the truth is, we need things. My husband needs a winter coat and new shoes and a haircut. I need a haircut and winter clothes. I'm starting to look at people who seem flush with lovely clothes and food and things and am getting angry. Angry bitter jealous girl. Which is fair to no one. And not pleasant for me, at all.

I need a job. I've been looking, but I think it's time I started applying.

Bien Venue

2006-09-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

This place is starting to feel like a bed and breakfast, except no one pays to stay here. Except Tom's parents who bought us the many and plentiful groceries.

Our friends will be here tonight. The house is mostly clean. New linens are on the beds, fluffy towels are folded and stacked neatly in the bathroom. Extra toilet paper has been made available. Favortie snacks are purchased. Still need good coffee and beer.

We can't afford so many visitors. I can never say no. It will be fun and I should save the stress for when my family comes, two weeks from now.

And I can't drink, just in case of the thing that I'm depressed about because I've decided I'm not until tomorrow when I decide that I am.

I sent out something I wrote in two hours and haven't heard anything back. I'm sure it was terrible.

God. I'm depressed. Welcome guests! We hope you enjoy your stay!

Internets: Tell me what I want to hear.

2006-09-19T05:59:00.000-07:00

I finally ovulated. I am now 6 days past ovulation and although I told myself I was going to stay away from the insanity inducing internets, I am asking them all sorts of unanswerable questions. What I really want to put in that little google box is "Am I pregnant?" But I don't think that's common internet knowledge.

So, I stare at other people's charts and compare and contrast. This tells me absolutely zero and puts me in a bad mood.

We have friends coming to town and our visits usually consist of a lot of drinking. I'm going to sit this one out and be awkward around my friend's husband. I have known him 12 years and still have a hard time finding my footing with him. I completely blame myself.

Two people on the periphery of my life have had babies this week. One actual friend just found out she's pregnant. She's only 5 weeks, but had no hesitation in telling me. I remember feeling untouchable like that. It's the way it should be.

Whew.

2006-09-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, remember all that stuff I said about resenting certain visitors and all that? Well, we had a really good time this weekend, and not just because they took us out for delicious dinners and bought us two weeks worth of groceries that saved me from financial breakdown. So, I'm an asshole and everything is fine.

And, we decided to take our vacation in NYC, not Rome, but that's wonderful and excellent because I love it there and we can actually afford it.

It's all relief and roses over here.

Looking like an ingrate

2006-09-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

Oh, dear. This one's going to be a complainer.

I've been cleaning for what feels like 48 hours straight. I'm resenting cleaning, I'm resenting how often my family wants to visit, particularly my in-laws. I'm resenting resembling a housewife in every single way. I'm pissed at myself for not writing the way I should be, not being who I should be.

I'm tormented by the fact that we rented a huge house for more money than we could afford. It was a stupid decision, but the best stupid decision we could have made at the time with Finn, the barkiest dog in the universe. We didn't know that our road with Finn was ending before we even got here, so we worked with what we had. Now, whenever I'm out, I look at apartment buildings and wonder how much for a one bedroom.

I worry about money all the time. I think it's because we have none. We're living on about 150 a week, which includes groceries. It is more than many people have, I know. But without cell phones, cable, car payments, only once a month gas purchases, no heat or ac being used, many pasta dinners and free dvd's from the library, I feel like I am doing my absolute best to make this wished-for life work. Except I'm not. Because I'm not writing. And if I'm not writing, I need to get a job. For financial breathing room, for sanity.

I will give myself next week to get back on the writing wagon. No excuses. We have guests coming next weekend, too, but when you have stay-over guests twice a month, you can't devote this much time to cleaning and preparing. So the house will be a little dirty.

That's another money worry. Everyone takes their vacation here, but we can't afford to go on vacation twice a month. My guests next week are in for a long, boring time.

I hate to look poor. I know this is something that came out of growing up poor and going to a school that decidedly wasn't. I wanted to so much to fit in, to look right. I worked at McDonald's for school clothes money and never invited anyone over. I never mentioned welfare or medicaid, paying for my own contacts so I wouldn't have to wear medicaid glasses anymore. Anyone who has had to wear medicaid glasses feels me on this one. Nothing screams poor like medicaid glasses.

I will write every morning next week. I will chill out about looking poor. I will not offer to pay for things because I can't. And if the writing thing does not start happening again, I will get a job and shut the eff up.

I love having a secret blog. It squeezed it right out of me, and I don't even care about looking like an ingrate.

Hey ho. Let's go.

2006-09-10T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's day 24 and I still have not ovulated. What in the fuck. At this point, my cycle will be at least 39 days long.

I typically have long cycles. 37 days is normal for me. But we're edging on the absurd here.

It's going to take me twice as long to get pregnant as someone with a 28 day cycle. I wonder if long cycles are associated with infertility-something to google later. I can really make myself nuts with the googling anything and everything surrounding conception. I'd like to say that google will be dead to me once I'm pregnant but who are we kidding? That's when the obsession will really begin.

I'm eating eggs. Coincidence?

A Roma. Per favore!

2006-09-09T17:49:00.000-07:00

I've spent much of the day looking up ways to make a dollar out of fifteen cents, otherwise known as how to take a nice chunk of money gifted to my husband for his graduation and make it take us all the way to Rome. Un cappucino, per favore!

It's a very generous gift. But no matter how hard I squeeze it, it's not enough to fly, stay, and eat.

We're on the mother of all budgets and really have no business contemplating anything of this fantastitude. People in our situation should take that money and tuck it away for a rainy day, which will most likely be tomorrow.

But Rome! Roma. Buon giorno! Ciao! Avertisiamo!

My tongue loves Rome. And I know Rome would love my tongue.

On my regular blog, I'd be apologizing like crazy for even having the possibility of Rome. Oh! I'm not working! I don't deserve a trip like this. I'm a terrible, greedy person. Where do I get off?

But this is not my regular blog and why the hell don't I deserve this? Who doesn't deserve this? I'm telling you right now, you deserve this. You deserve a trip to Rome, or wherever makes you jump up and down inside. You really do.

We probably won't have this much money in one place again for a long time. This money really wants to go to Rome. And if we have to do a little dance and make a little love for it to happen, then that's what we're going to do. Because you deserve it.

What I mean to say

2006-09-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been a blogger for a few years now. I made the mistake of telling people I know about my blog and now many people in my life read it and it's incredibly weird. I use it now to tell funny little anecdotes but never go beyond the superficial, because my god. Old boyfriends read that shit. Not to mention my in-laws.

I'm not sure what I intended when I started it, but I don't think I meant for it to be quite so...public. I absolutely see how that makes zero sense, what with this being on the internets and all.

This time, I hope to be a little more anonymous. Yes.

I'm at a strange place in my life. For the first time ever, I'm not working. I'm supposed to take this year to write and figure it all out. Figure it all out-there's a loaded little phrase. To that end, I haven't written anything in about two weeks. And anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm not good enough. And that just depresses the fuck out of me. That and the insane guilt for not "contributing", both to my own household and to society. Society needs me! Don't hate, Society.

I'm also trying to get pregnant. I had a miscarriage almost two years ago. Since then, we've tried on and off. We're in the third month of trying again. I don't want to talk about it with the Real People because I don't want any expectation. And for the love of God, don't ask me outright if I'm pregnant. In fact, don't even look at me. I see the question in your eyes. Your hopeful grandparent eyes. It makes me want to throw a heavy rock at something delicate.

I look for cercival fluid like it's the fucking holy grail.

So, I have this year. This year to get my shit in order, to find something fulfilling to do with my time. I've had jobs. What I want now is something my own. And a baby would be nice, too.

So what should this blog be about then? I guess it's about me trying to figure it all out. Oh, boy.

Gots to get away

2006-09-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new, super secret blog. It's the super secretest.