Phone Appointments Are Not Awesome

I am currently waiting for my RE to call me. We had a scheduled phone appointment for today. For an hour ago, to be precise. But I'm thinking of it as a regular doctor's appointment, and an hour's wait is not out of the ordinary.

The Clomid didn't work. I went in for my progesterone blood test on Day 21 and it confirmed what I already knew: I didn't ovulate. This next cycle was supposed to be a rest cycle, but since we are moving in June, that would mean no more trying here. I'd have to wait another three months before getting this show on the road in NC and that was a frustrating realization. And a relief. Two in one, what do you know.

When I really consider it, I don't want a break yet. I think that's my fear talking. We need to see this through for a bit longer.

I explained all that to the nurse and there was consulting and now I'm on Provera to induce a period and will be taking 100mg of Clomid starting day 3. I was sort of a mess on 50mg, and by sort of a mess I mean a raging hormonoholic terrifying to behold. At least my husband will be working a lot this cycle. We will think of that as a good thing.

Update: I just spoke with my doctor and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I like her, we have a nice rapport at our appointments, she seems genuine and concerned. But on this hour and a half late phone call, she was rushed and not that into listening to me. Also, she didn't really seem to know who I was. Yeah, yeah, we've only met twice, but she suggested we start me on Clomid. The Clomid I've already been taking. Then she asked me several other questions that were very basic to my patient profile, such as do I ever ovulate on my own. As I said, yes, but only every six to eight weeks, I felt my heart sink. This is the person I'm entrusting with my fertility and she doesn't know if I ever ovulate.

She's just a person, behind on her work and stressed out. I can get with that. I also realize that my fertility issues are not her whole world and we are approaching this from different perspectives. But still. Not so confidence-inspiring.

The phone call basically turned into a review of what I already knew. It lasted 5 minutes. That'll be $30.00, please.

Infertility blows.

This Dance We Do

It is CD 16 and I have not ovulated. I'm starting to worry that the Clomid didn't work.

Well, what can you do? I guess we'll just keep on keeping on and see what happens. If I ovulate by day 21, I could still have a cycle of 35 days or less, which is at the high end of "normal" and since we think the problem is the lateness of my ovulating, maybe that would be good enough. All I'm asking is for good enough.

This our first try with assistance and I'm already tired of it. We've been trying on our own for 2 1/2 years and had a miscarriage early on. I have been thinking and planning my life around my fertility or lack thereof for a while now and I'm chafing under all of the "rules". I feel like rebelling, which for me would look like a long morning run, sweating, heart-pounding freedom. I never exercise with abandon anymore; I'm gentle. We don't want to scare the ovaries.

We have a friend coming to dinner tonight. I would love a glass of wine, but I won't have it because I read that it could cut conception odds by 50%. I'm feeling insanely guilty about the mug of coffee I'm sipping on, but it's just one and oh man now I'm begging forgiveness for a cup of coffee.

We're looking at apartments in NC and found one that looks perfect, except that it only has one bedroom and if we move on to adoption, we'll need two. I'd like to get serious about looking into grad school, but shouldn't I wait to see if I get pregnant? (I know that's crazy, but this is what it does people).

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to prepare my body, mind and heart to welcome a baby. I try my best to make it feel like a nurturing, nurtured process. But sometimes I just want to flip my special needs fertility off and free up all of this head space for something that's a little more of a sure thing.

Obviously, I'm going to keep going because this is our baby we're talking about, but I have an ear open to whatever intuition wants to tell me, and can see breaks in our future. But not just yet. Not now.

These Four Things

On Clomid

Oh, Clomid. We've had a time, haven't we? The hot flashes, the hormonal rages, the ferocity of my crying, the hilariously vicious things I screamed at my husband...I will cherish the memories always.

Now get out of me. But make a nice egg first. Thank you.

On Volunteering

It is Wednesday, my day to volunteer at the after-school program. It requires a lot of energy and focus and most of all patience, but I learn something every time I go and I feel connected to my community and the great big world in general. I'd like to feel more of a connection with the kids, and I do with some (especially one little boy who needs help with his reading and I'm thinking of how to do that in the limited time we have), but I realize I've only been there twice and at once a week it may take awhile.

I've made some mistakes. For instance, last week, when I told Jake to come down from the playground's rock climbing wall and he said he couldn't because Jordan was waiting to kill him, I should have believed Jake and not thought "he's going to kill me" was just a colorful turn of phrase. Because when Jake came down, he was promptly body-slammed against the fence by Jordan, who took off as soon as I separated them. Luckily the program director was outside with us and took over. I could have handled the whole thing differently and diffused it before it got to the killing part, if I'd really listened. I'm learning and working on it.

On Getting Pregnant

Sometimes I so want to be pregnant and sometimes I am so ambivalent about the whole thing. I don't know if this is normal for someone actively participating in fertility treatment, but it's where I'm at and I'll assume every thing I'm feeling is natural. The ambivalence could be self-protection, warding off disappointment. I meditate on it every day and am just trying to be open to anything and everything that wants to be in my life right now. What will come will come.

How very zen of me. Speaking of...

On Yoga

Whenever I feel myself beginning to freak out about how expensive my yoga obsession is, I quickly remember that it is cheaper than therapy, plus I'm getting wonderful exercise in the bargain. I didn't begin yoga for the physical benefits; I really love and need the mental quietness of it. The fact that my body is becoming smoother and more flexible is a happy coincidence.

I love how it opens me up and washes so much sadness and fear away. I love how it feels like I'm taking the very best care of myself. I guess this means I'll stick with it.

I could do so many more "On's", but I will spare us. FOR NOW.