This Dance We Do

It is CD 16 and I have not ovulated. I'm starting to worry that the Clomid didn't work.

Well, what can you do? I guess we'll just keep on keeping on and see what happens. If I ovulate by day 21, I could still have a cycle of 35 days or less, which is at the high end of "normal" and since we think the problem is the lateness of my ovulating, maybe that would be good enough. All I'm asking is for good enough.

This our first try with assistance and I'm already tired of it. We've been trying on our own for 2 1/2 years and had a miscarriage early on. I have been thinking and planning my life around my fertility or lack thereof for a while now and I'm chafing under all of the "rules". I feel like rebelling, which for me would look like a long morning run, sweating, heart-pounding freedom. I never exercise with abandon anymore; I'm gentle. We don't want to scare the ovaries.

We have a friend coming to dinner tonight. I would love a glass of wine, but I won't have it because I read that it could cut conception odds by 50%. I'm feeling insanely guilty about the mug of coffee I'm sipping on, but it's just one and oh man now I'm begging forgiveness for a cup of coffee.

We're looking at apartments in NC and found one that looks perfect, except that it only has one bedroom and if we move on to adoption, we'll need two. I'd like to get serious about looking into grad school, but shouldn't I wait to see if I get pregnant? (I know that's crazy, but this is what it does people).

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to prepare my body, mind and heart to welcome a baby. I try my best to make it feel like a nurturing, nurtured process. But sometimes I just want to flip my special needs fertility off and free up all of this head space for something that's a little more of a sure thing.

Obviously, I'm going to keep going because this is our baby we're talking about, but I have an ear open to whatever intuition wants to tell me, and can see breaks in our future. But not just yet. Not now.