These Four Things

On Clomid

Oh, Clomid. We've had a time, haven't we? The hot flashes, the hormonal rages, the ferocity of my crying, the hilariously vicious things I screamed at my husband...I will cherish the memories always.

Now get out of me. But make a nice egg first. Thank you.

On Volunteering

It is Wednesday, my day to volunteer at the after-school program. It requires a lot of energy and focus and most of all patience, but I learn something every time I go and I feel connected to my community and the great big world in general. I'd like to feel more of a connection with the kids, and I do with some (especially one little boy who needs help with his reading and I'm thinking of how to do that in the limited time we have), but I realize I've only been there twice and at once a week it may take awhile.

I've made some mistakes. For instance, last week, when I told Jake to come down from the playground's rock climbing wall and he said he couldn't because Jordan was waiting to kill him, I should have believed Jake and not thought "he's going to kill me" was just a colorful turn of phrase. Because when Jake came down, he was promptly body-slammed against the fence by Jordan, who took off as soon as I separated them. Luckily the program director was outside with us and took over. I could have handled the whole thing differently and diffused it before it got to the killing part, if I'd really listened. I'm learning and working on it.

On Getting Pregnant

Sometimes I so want to be pregnant and sometimes I am so ambivalent about the whole thing. I don't know if this is normal for someone actively participating in fertility treatment, but it's where I'm at and I'll assume every thing I'm feeling is natural. The ambivalence could be self-protection, warding off disappointment. I meditate on it every day and am just trying to be open to anything and everything that wants to be in my life right now. What will come will come.

How very zen of me. Speaking of...

On Yoga

Whenever I feel myself beginning to freak out about how expensive my yoga obsession is, I quickly remember that it is cheaper than therapy, plus I'm getting wonderful exercise in the bargain. I didn't begin yoga for the physical benefits; I really love and need the mental quietness of it. The fact that my body is becoming smoother and more flexible is a happy coincidence.

I love how it opens me up and washes so much sadness and fear away. I love how it feels like I'm taking the very best care of myself. I guess this means I'll stick with it.

I could do so many more "On's", but I will spare us. FOR NOW.