Messiness

Firstly, my period has decided to vacate the premises for the foreseeable future. It has been over 7 weeks since it last made an appearance. Six weeks is the norm for us, but for some reason, my cycle has lost it's shit and we are now at 7 weeks and 1 day without hint nor word. (I've taken pregnancy tests. No go.)

Could it have been the travel? That was a stressful 24 hours-lugging heavy and unwieldy bags through big foreign airports, getting lost, barely making flights. And then readjusting to life here, most particularly a change in time zone...this could have scared Ovulation enough to hide out for a while.

Or could it be the yoga? I've been going to class three times a week, equaling about 4 hours of yoga a week. My body loves it and thanks me constantly. I'm relaxed and centered. Surely it can't be the yoga? I don't care, Period. I'm not giving it up for the likes of you.

Secondly, I'm going home this weekend. There are parts I love and parts I hate, most specifically always leaving with a big sadness where my heart should be because I am always realizing anew that my mother and I don't have the best relationship. I blame her alcoholism, something that began about 6 years ago and that she has never acknowledged. But it makes me not trust her and it makes me angry and it makes me not want to share things with her. And I think she is very defensive about her drinking and doesn't want to get to close to us because she thinks that we (my siblings and I) would say something if we knew how bad it really was.

We do know how bad it really is. But we don't say something directly because...god, I don't even know. Probably because for the last five years our family has been so beaten down by addiction that we don't have the energy left to fight anymore. Within a year of each other, both my brothers told us they were heroin addicts. As were their girlfriends. These announcements were followed by years of fear, frustration and sadness. We lived with it every day. And now they're finally doing well, clean, in school, and we have nothing left over for our mother.

I literally think about her and her drinking 15 times a day. I'm very tired of it. My empathy swells and wanes. There is so much anger.

I know she wants me to talk to her about my fertility treatments and worries. She went through it herself with my youngest brother (IVF). But why would I call her and share my deepest fears, make myself that vulnerable, when she'll be too drunk to listen to me anyway?

I've recently come to the conclusion that I can't control my mother's drinking and I can't cure her isolation. But I can foster relationships and build communities that are healthy and supportive, something I can't get from her right now. This includes more closeness with my dad and stepmom, my aunt, my grandparents and my friends. My sisters. And maybe even my brothers. Maybe we're ready for that now.

Ah, messiness. What I wouldn't give for the normal family bullshit.