Moving and Shaking

I just made an appointment with a reproductive endocinologist. It's not for a month, but I feel like I'm taking charge of this rollercoaster. Taking charge of my life. Feels good.

Regrouping

The day I got my period was a dark day. I let it be. What else was there to do? I was sad and bitterly disappointed, so I cried in bed for awhile. When I thought it was all out, I came downstairs and had a bowl of cereal with my sister. Pregnancy had been our main topic of discussion all week, so it wasn't surprising when she asked what my temperature was that morning and I burst out with more crying, right into my Honey Bunches of Oats. I think this shocked her a little; I'm the together one. I'm usually telling her it will be ok while she does the crying. But this has completely unglued me.

In typical me fashion, I threw myself into another dream that day. I looked up local spanish classes, but didn't find anything that seemed readily accessible. There were some college courses, but sitting in a room of college kids isn't really what I was after. I wanted more than two classes a week. I wanted to be saturated with language, to be with people who also wanted that. Then I remembered meeting someone years ago who had done an immersion program and was now almost fluent. He was the most unlikely of guys, an ornery construction worker, but when he talked about the program, he lit up with accomplishment and a dream realized.

I want that, too. I want to throw myself into something completely different and feel it working it's magic on me. I want to be brave enough to do it.

I like my routine. I grew up without much of one and it anchors me now. I'm so set in it that the thought of leaving my husband and home for a month to live with strangers somewhere far away is terrifying.

But it's now or never. One way or another, I am going to be a mother. It is what I want more than anything. But it's not the only thing I want, and maybe a break from this one all-consuming focus would be the nicest thing I could do for myself.

There is a lot to consider. That's what I'll be doing.

14 dpo

My period is starting. Two days early, I might add.

Back to the drawing board. I don't know if I'm going to chart this cycle, or how I'm going to approach this. We may make an appointment to see someone. I may take off for Spain or South America to learn Spanish for a month. I think that's a good use of a life's savings, don't you?

Maybe that's rash. Or maybe I feel like I need to realize one life's dream, anything to move forward.

I don't know.

13 dpo

My temperature was way, way down this morning. It's over. I'm not pregnant.

I was very upset this morning, but now I feel kind of numb about it. I need to throw myself into something else, so that's what I'm looking into. The something else.

Hm.

I had some watery cm later today. That always happens a few days before I get my period.

I don't want to be stupid about this but I'm still holding out hope, like maybe my body just hasn't figured out that I'm pregnant yet, but will tomorrow or the next day and then will stop its pms nonsense.

Ugh. This is really not very fun.

12 dpo

I'm so hopeful I could slap myself. My temp went up-it's in a pattern now of up and down, down and up, all within .2 degrees. It was 98.5 this morning, possibly the highest I've had at 12 dpo (I need to double-check).

I feel a general sleepiness, but not too much out of the ordinary. I have little stinging pains in my boobs, but I tend to have something similar the week before my period normally.

The only other thing that's happened is that for the past two nights I've woken up in the middle of the night sweating. And our room is COLD. My cold is almost gone, so I don't think that had anything to do with it.

I feel like I sound like one of those ninnies on the message boards. What can I say? It's getting to me.

11 dpo

We just went out to dinner and couldn't afford it, and now my stomach is in knots. And even though my sister tries to pay for some things, having another person living here is a strain on the finances. And on my great need for alone time.

I'm just feeling stretched and stressed over here.

No pregnancy symptoms. I mean, I cried today, but it was stressed out crying. I'm also pretty tired, but that's probably stress-related, too. My temp was down two degrees, but until there's a pattern going down, I won't worry.

Maybe it's weird that I want to have a baby when I'm so worried about money. But, we won't really have what I consider to be "enough" money for a few more years, and I don't want to be 33 and just starting this family. We'll make it. People do on much less.

I hate talking about money. It's tacky. But the venting, it helps.

10 dpo

My cold seems to be easing up. I'm still coughing and blowing my nose a lot, but the fog has lifted. Much better.

And now for the disturbing truth: I'm hopeful. I still have no symptoms. No implantation bleeding (which would be the first potential sign). The only thing I have is my chart, and the only thing it's telling me is that my temperature hasn't gone down yet. It could go down tomorrow and keep going down until I get my period. Or it could go up. I would love for it to go up.

It is such a dangerous thing to be hopeful. My period is due on Friday and that may be a very dark day indeed. Or one of the happiest of my life. I have been here enough to know that you can't tell anything from a chart at 10 dpo. It's the pattern, not the individual temperature that matters.

Right now, my pattern is on the upswing. That's all.

9 dpo

My sister's staying another week and I'm glad. I'm not mad at her anymore, but I really hope she doesn't criticize me ever again. Good luck to us on that.

My cold is ever grosser today. Flem is moving. I guess that's a good thing, maybe it's breaking up and leaving. I slept for 10 hours last night, mostly uninterrupted.

No pregnancy symptoms. My temp went down two degrees, but that's pretty typical for 9 dpo and I'm not going to worry. Yet.

8 dpo

I'm sick. I'm so sick. I can't breathe, I have a fever. And a sister that has overstayed and just told me that she probably needs to stay another week because her weekend plans were never really cemented and fell through.

She just said to me "Shouldn't you be writing?" This is probably a fevered overreaction, but I want to rip her face off. Shouldn't you be getting the fuck out of my house? I'M SICK. YOU'RE HERE. CUT ME SOME SLACK. Shouldn't you have an apartment and job by now?

I'm being hysterical sick person. I realize I'm cranky. Maybe that's a pregnancy symptom masked by my cold. Maybe I'm delusional. And I'm absolutely sensitive about the writing thing.

Whatever. I've locked myself in my room and plan on staying here for the next couple of hours. I need a life.