Waiting and Watching

CD 24 and nothing. Zip. No ovulation, none in sight, according to the four opk's I've already done. So frustrating. I'm trying to be patient and chill about the whole thing, it will happen when it happens. Meanwhile, I'll wait and I'll watch. But dang. I'm going to have a forty something day cycle again.

I'm going to look into our insurance and see if it covers fertility testing and treatment, and if RE's are covered, and where to find one. Will I need a referral? God. I really didn't want this to be complicated. Who does? It should be the simplest of things.

I feel myself sliding into a mentality of infertility. I'm beginning to see myself as infertile. If I add all the months together that we tried, it must be a year total. And now, these endless cycles...

Even with this frustration, this cycle has been so much better than the last. I haven't stressed very much about money, when it was all I thought about last month. It kept me awake, it was all I talked about. Now, I'm like, eh. Whatevs. We're not going on shopping sprees or anything, but I feel far less deprived. It really was about attitude. And this rotation for the husband has been much better than we thought it would be-better hours, he's sleeping more, we're hanging out a lot, doing fun stuff.

I'm being easier on myself, too. If I write something, great. If not, I'll do it tomorrow. And I'm not expecting miracles, sometimes just a poem or a blog post is enough. This month is so not about pressure. Another pregnancy strategy but not completely intentional. You can't force yourself to relax.

This is when religion would come in really handy. Put it all in someone else's hands for a bit, take a breather. I may need to rethink.