Greetings from the PMS Couch

I am 98% certain that I am not pregnant. I'd say 100%, but I haven't actually gotten my period yet or had a negative test. My temperature has been flat and today went down a tiny bit, and I feel desperately premenstrual. Which explains all of the crying inside.

I feel like I'm trying so hard at so many things and none of them are working out. Well, maybe I'm not trying that hard at writing or figuring out what I'm doing, but I am trying to get pregnant and keep us afloat financially.

Maybe listing my efforts will make me feel less loserish:

1. Wrote consistently for about a month. Sent out queries to magazines. Sent piece to local paper.
2. As of Friday, will have made it through a month without touching meager savings or sliding further into debt. This has everything to do with self-denial and hyper-concientious money tracking.
3. Began charting my temperature. Have two charts now, used opk's correctly. Am taking prenatal vitamins (have been for months). Have plan for vitamins for my husband, herbs for me, and a judicious use of eggwhites.

All good work, but not enough apparently. Revamped pregnancy plans also include yoga and meditation and a heftier diet. I think vegetarianism and walking everywhere may have made me too skinny (I know, what a terrible problem to have). This baby needs something to hold on to.

The problem with the writing is that I really haven't been doing much beyond spending time with my husband and hosting guests. I'm leading a very inner life and it leaves me with little to talk about. I need to get out there somehow. Oh joy for the introvert.

As far as the financial stuff goes, I have been vigilant and organized. But the truth is, we need things. My husband needs a winter coat and new shoes and a haircut. I need a haircut and winter clothes. I'm starting to look at people who seem flush with lovely clothes and food and things and am getting angry. Angry bitter jealous girl. Which is fair to no one. And not pleasant for me, at all.

I need a job. I've been looking, but I think it's time I started applying.